Unrelievable Suffering Be Upon Him

Mary Trump, the president’s niece, tells us that many decades ago, her daddy Fred poured a bowlful of mashed potatoes over the future president’s head to stop younger brother Donny tormenting third Trump son Robert, and that the whole family got a huge kick out of seeing the future fascist monster seethe in humiliation. With this in mind, I believe all right-thinking Americans should append the phrase “mashed potatoes on his head” to any mention of the president just as Muslims append “peace be upon him” to any spoken reference to Mohammed.

Thus, one doesn’t say, “Donald Trump is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history,” but rather, “Donald Trump — mashed potatoes be upon his head — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.”

Don’t like that one? I’ve got alternatives galore! “Donald Trump — bleeding, itching, painful swollen veins be in his anus and lower rectum — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.” Too much to remember? “Donald Trump — hemorrhoids clog his asshole — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.”

Or: “Donald Trump — renal calculi (that is, minerals and salts, be in his kidneys — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.” Simpler version: Donald Trump — stones be in his kidneys — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.

Here’s another. “Donald Trump — the viral disease herpes zosster be on a localized area of his bloated white body — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.” More simply: “Donald Trump — shingles be upon him — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.”

And another. “Donald Trump — cold sores or fever blisters be on his genitals or hideous orange face — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.” For the terse: “Donald Trump — herpes be upon him — is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.”

Only two more to go! “Donald Trump — phenylketonuria, a buildup of the amine acid pheylalanine that can lead to cognitive degeneration, be upon him— is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.” Alternatively, though not more simply in this case, “Donald Trump — may the immoderate amounts of aspartame he ingests in Diet Coke cause him endless torment for all the remaining hours of his life— is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.”

And finally, “Donald Trump —may fatty substances, cholesterol, cellular waste, calcium, and fibrin in his arteries stick to the walls of his arteries —is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.” Or, for the more succinct, “Donald Trump —atherosclerosis be upon him —is a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history.”

You’ll also enjoy:

https://johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/the-donald-g-trump-center-for-the?r=7yu5q

https://johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/we-will-not-let-them-ghadffi-you?r=7yu5q

https://johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/ill-be-standin-on-the-corner-aqqusinersuaq?utm_source=publication-search