Zuck ’N’ Chromedome!
Coming soon to a television screen in your living room or mancave
Well, that came out of the blue, and with Social Security no longer being something any moderately intelligent person would count on, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been invited by Netflix to plan a variety show for Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos, provisionally called Zuck ’N’ Chromedome, though I’m warned that it will probably be changed because many people associate Chrome with Meta archrival Google’s web browser.
I’m thinking of the two stars doing a sort of Sonny-’n’-Cher thing, by which I don’t mean wearing bobcat vests or being killed in a skiing accident, but rather one being adorably censorious (like Cher, years before autotuning) and the other being adorably goofy. As this is written, I see Jeff as Cher and Zuck as Sonny.
The premiere episode will open with Zuck singing a medley of early Rolling Stones blues covers of Howlin’ Wolf, Slim Harpo., and Muddy Waters classics, and then confessing his confusion about Mick Jagger having started singing in the first person, identifying himself as the eponymous fowl, in the Stones’ version of the Wolf-popularized “Little Red Rooster”, but then changing course in the third verse, and purporting to be said creature’s owner.
Jeff stepfather, Miguel "Mike" Bezos, was a Cuban immigrant, but not tattooed, so far as this column knows. Hilariously, the first words Jeff will speak on the show will be in a Ricky Ricardo accent. He will perform a medley of Perez Prado, Fidel Castro, and Gloria Estaban hits, rounded out with “Bésame Mucho”, while Mark, looking adorably perplexed, mouths, “What the heck is he saying?”
Howlin’ Wolf is not known to have recorded “Bésame Mucho,” but the Beatles did, on the demo tape that inspired Decca Records to tell their manager, Jeffrey Epstein, “You know what? Thanks so much anyway.”
Their songs sung, the duo will then retire to a living room-like set where they will make themselves comfortable to chat with special guests Kyle Rittenhouse and George Soros. Kyle will tell them about how, after shooting two people dead at a riot in Kenosha, Wisconsin, birthplace of Orson Welles and the alleged actor Mark Ruffalo, he went from being a hopeless incel to a symbol of extreme right wing virility who, at the time of the show’s taping, had “had” 5132 women, several of them hot, if perverse in their political leanings.
More music will follow, with Mr. Soros, a good sport as well as very rich, gamely singing the second verse of a Las Vegas lounge-worthy version of George Thoroughbred’s “Bad to the Bone”.
In a segment inspired by Jerry Springer, Zuck will then gamely interview trailer trash couples, the female half of which will accuse Hubby of ruining their marriage by transitioning into a woman.
“I’ve always felt that I was born into the wrong body,” Hubby will confide, albeit inaudibly over the jeering of the studio audience. one especially vehement female member of which will stand up to shout, “You come into the gals’ restroom while I’m in it, buster, with or without your original, you know anatomy, or whatever, you gon’ regret it big time!” Jeff will read a telegram from President Trump — mashed potatoes be upon his head — commending her for having stood up for decency and congratulating the two tech tycoons on their move into show business.
The aggrieved trailer trash lady will then be invited up on stage to sing the show’s de facto theme, Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” with the co-hosts, Orson, Kyle, both Georges (Soros and Throroughbred), and the Silicon Valley Symphony Orchestra, under the direction of Mencius Moldbug.
