The Horror in What He's Made the Awful Office

High school version

This 11th grade bitch Ashleigh Whatever (I don’t know her last name) accused Jaden S—, the quarterback of our high school’s football team), of raping her a few weeks ago. Our principal, Mr. Owens, investigated, and said it probably didn’t happen. Some of us wondered if he didn’t reach that conclusion because our football team has traditionally sucked, but with there being more Division 1 college scouts in the bleachers at every game to watch Jaden playing like a 17-year-old Patrick Mahomes, here we are about to go to the state semifinals.

Profiles in courage! The Orangutan That Fancies Itself a Despot and his attack dog Jadie gang up on a foreign leader whose country the Orangutan’s idol is trying to seize. Not seen: the human slimebag Marco Rubio, who utters not a syllable of dissent.

It looks like Ashleigh dropped out after Mr. Owens announced his decision. Nobody’s seen her since, and I don’t think anybody’s missed her.

It would be ultramega if I could get into Jaden’s like entourage. I’d be the only 10th grader, and the only member of the junior varsity team. But I don’t think Jaden even knows my name.

Well, two nights ago, after the gigantic party at Chanelle Cooley’s house, I got my chance to impress him.

I was pretty drunk, and needed to pee. There were a couple of bathrooms downstairs, and I waited outside one of them for like forever, with my bladder getting more and more impatient, until I went upstairs to look for another bathroom. I found one, and who should be in it but Jaden, with this bitch, Juliette Whatever, and he, slamming away, has her bent over the sink, and she’s like weeping and begging him to stop. My first instinct, of course, is to close the door and like avoid pissing Jaden off, but then it dawns on me that this is my like my golden opportunity.

“Please!” Juliette gasps, “Please stop! Please!”

So you know what I say to her? “I say, ‘Shut the fuck up, bitch! Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know that Jaden’s been All-City two years in a two, and that if it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be going to the semifinals next week?”

She doesn’t even hear me. She just gets more like frantic, and shrill. So what I do is put my hand over her mouth to shut her the fuck up.

Which I guess impresses Jaden because Monday when I go over to the jocks’ table in the cafeteria, you know what Jaden does? He gestures for a couple of his like teammates at the end of the table to make room for me.

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[The big difference being that President Trump, far from being the Patrick Mahomes of politicians, is a fecal stain on American — and, indeed, human — history.]