To paraphrase Mr. Lennon, in my life I’ve lusted after them all. When I was a little fellow, I had vague longings for Audrey Meadows, as she appeared in The Honeymooners. “Bam! Zoom! To the moon, Alice!”), and much more definite ones for my classmate Jan Richter, at least until that afternoon that she saw fit to throw up in class. In high school, it was the actresses Brigitte Bardot and Ursula Andress, and later my classmate Joy Ketner, who would delicately pick bits of fuzz over her dark brown nylon legs, hold them aloft for a tantalizing moment in the aisle that separated us, and then let them fall from her gorgeous fingertips as though in an instructional video on how to be maddeningly sexy.
The actress Julie Christie enchanted me in my university years. In semi-recent adulthood (at my age, 1991 seems semi-recent), there’ve been Cassandra Peterson as Elvira (though I could easily have done without the self-mockery), and the Bardot-esque Chrissie Amphlett of Divinyls.
Last week, to my amazement, Kristi Noem entered the pantheon.
I find her spelling her name as though she’s a 14-year-old middle schooler rather than Secretary of Homeland Security strangely sexy. There has never been a non-hottie named Kristi. I’m not at all sure I approve of her having named her elder daughter Kassidy with a K. I mean, if you’re going for cute, wouldn’t you have substituted an i for the traditional y at the end, as in Kristi? I do very much like that Secretary Noem named her son after either Booker T. Washington or Booker T. Jones (of Booker T and the MGs), but am disheartened to learn of his involvement in Youth With A Mission, which trains self-righteous little Christians to try to force their religious beliefs on others.
(Imagine how successful the model and actress Christie Brinkley might have been if she’d spelled it as La Noem does. She might have married Billy Idol rather than Billy Joe, the seemingly universal disdain for whose music is befuddling to me. That there are people who regard Patti Smith as the superior artist is no less discombobulating to me than working class Americans imagining that Donald G. Trump — mashed potatoes be upon his head — is Fighting for Them.)
Many dating experts assert that self-confidence (comfort in one’s own skin, in the chic New Age nomenclature) is nearly as powerful as physical attractiveness in many cases. Well, a soulless, craven lickspittle to Trump — mashed potatoes be upon his head — though she may be, Kristi has enough comfort in her own no-doubt-fastidiously-moisturized skin for three people, or five MAGAts, as witness her recent photo op at the maximum security prison in El Salvador to which President Trump — mashed potatoes be upon his head — recently deported a couple of hundred members of Venezuela’s notorious Tren de Aragua gang, and a couple of dozen whose tattoos those with observation issues might have mistaken for Tren de Aragua’s.
Secretary Noem wasn’t accompanied by a phalanx of snarling xenophobic American bodyguards and Salvadoran, uh, correctional officers, but only her hair-and-makeup guy, Rafaele, whose idea, we now learn, was for Secretary Noem to look really hot for a 53-year-old, in a form-fitting top and a $50K Rolex wristwatch. So how is it that in the famous photos of her discouraging illegal immigration into the USA in front of heavily tattooed alleged miscreants with presumably stratospheric testosterone levels, not a single erect penis can be spotted, and none one of the prisoners appears to be trying to pull apart that bars of the enormous cell?
I say green screen (that is, that Secretary Noem’s image was superimposed on an image of the prisoners, but the penologist/chef consulted for this essay suspects that large quantities of antilibidinal medication had been added to the pupusas — thick, griddle-cooked or fried corn cakes filled with savory ingredients like cheese, beans, or meat, and typically served with curtido, a pickled cabbage slaw, and salsa roja — the prisoners had for lunch.
Nothing But the Best for Our Brave Jan 6 Heroes!
Dudes? Can I get everybody’s attention for a second? This won’t take long.
https://johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/unrelievable-suffering-be-upon-him?r=7yu5q
Don't you mean KKKristi?
Funny!