Who Is Trump's Most Hideous Cabinet (and Other) Nominee?

Pretty is as pretty does

Many things are known to ruin a person’s looks. Over-exposure to the sun. Too much rich food combined with too much indolence. Aging. I think becoming a Republican might be added to the list. When she was married to Gavin Newsom (whom Donald Trump, the Oscar Wilde of American politics, refers to as NewScum), prospective ambassador to Greece Kimberly Guilfoyle wasn’t unpleasant-looking. In recent years, as an avid Trumpist — so avid, you’ll remember, that she literally bellowed, “The best is yet to come” when helping to nominate Trump for re-election in 2020 — she has become one upon whom attentive mothers won’t allow sensitive toddlers to gaze. “Noah, no! Don’t look at her, darling!” She is fully grotesque enough to fit right in at a Mar-a-Lago fundraising do. She’s that fake, that overstated.

Kimberly Guilfoyle, The Pustule That Sneers and Wears Suits. Pam Bondi.

It bears mentioning, in her defense, that she demonstrably has a soft spot for the intellectually impaired, as witness her having been affianced to the loudly braindead Donald Trump Jr for four years, before said noted author and orator abandoned her for someone who, over the course of her life, probably hasn’t worn as much makeup as Guilfoyle slathers on to brush her teeth in the morning.

From L: An about-to-be-separated mother and child. Border czar-to-be Tom Homas. Gammon..

In the United Kingdom, a certain kind of, uh, bloke is called a gammon, as in the cured hind legs of a pig. He is typically red-facedly apoplectic with rage about something or other, like illegal immigration, or about the manager of the football club he supports having made a decision he, the gammon, regarded as imprudent (fucking mental, wunnit) in the club’s most recent loss.

President-to-be-unless-Biden-wakes-the-fuck-up-and-calls-the-Supreme-Court’s-bluff-and-has-him-arrested Trump commonly describes people as looking as though straight out of Central Casting. If border-czar-to-be Tom Homan were an actor, he’d be CC’s most in-demand guy for gammon roles.

But let’s look at him through American eyes. He’d be perfect to play one of Bull Connor’s lieutenants in a movie about racism in the American South in 1963, and no less perfect as a cop who enjoys giving those he’s arrested a little…tune-up — a broken jaw, perhaps, or a concussion — before taking them in for booking. He has a face like a clenched fist.

Pretty is as pretty does. I have no doubt that some middle-aged white men who look exactly like Tom Homan are cuddly and compassionate, the sort of guys who find unconscionable the idea of separating refugee parents from their children.

I suspect, though, that Tom Homan’s inner ugliness is an exact match for his very ugly face. The “Zero Tolerance” policy that he conceived for Trump in 2018 separated 5,500 children from their parents. As this is written 1,401 children still hadn’t been reunited with their families. But boo hoo, right, Tom? Surely traumatizing a child and putting their parents through the agony of his or her loss is a small price to pay for keeping even more disgusting filthy disease-carrying brown mental patients and escaped convicts from polluting our sacred American bloodlines.

If his boss-to-be Tom Homan is a gammon, his second-in-command Stephen Miller is The Pustule That Sneers and Wears Suits, possibly our Worst Living American. But I have written about him quite enough. Why, he’s even been featured on the Christofascist Drag Queen Story Hour.

After being endorsed by the incomparably prescient Sarah Palin, pretty Pam Bondi [seen above] in 2010 became Florida’s first female attorney general, but she’s better known for being a regular visitor to Donald Trump’s rectum since 2016, when she backed him over local boy (Little) Marco Rubio.

After leaving “public service” (I’ve never been able to type that without giggling) in 2019, she became a registered lobbyist for an array of deep-pocketed clients, including the government of Qatar. In so doing she managed not to notice, or just ignore the State Department’s observation of said emirate’s Significant Human Rights Issues. Shades of Paul Manafort! And whatever happened to Paulie?

During Trump’s hush-money trial, Bondi was one of a handful of Republicans who turned up in court to bolster his spirits after the case’s jurors very, very unfairly chose not to smile at him, in the process hurting his feelings, and compromising his self-esteem. She is very tight with the Tom Petty interpreter Lara Trump, wife of the President-to-be-unless-Biden-wakes-up-and-calls-the-Supreme-Court’s-bluff-and-has-him-arrested ’s imbecile second son, to the point of believing that Lara should take (Little) Marco’s child-sized seat in the Senate when he becomes Secretary of State.

With the right lighting and from a flattering angle, Bondi is still blonde and pretty enough, in a one-time sorority girl way, to be on Fox News, but pretty is as pretty does, and supporting a heartless, corrupt, incompetent, infantile, delusional, stupid rapist, sadist, and wannabe fascist dictator is about as unpretty as it gets.