Who Is the Most Hideous Woman in America?

Cast your vote today! Win a dream date with Fascist Barbie!

Some of us are genetically predisposed to thick, lustrous hair that doesn’t know the meaning of the word “frizz”, to high cheekbones and long eyelashes, to svelte angularity and blue eyes. Others are destined from the moment Papa’s sperm fertilizes Mama’s egg to dumpiness, to hair that frizzes at the mere mention of humidity, to noses that resemble root vegetables (I speak here of myself!), to underbites that suggest mongolism.

Clockwise from bottom left: Karoline Leavitt, Tami Lahren, Kristi Noem, Aynsley Dunbar, briefly of the Jeff Beck Group, and Pam Bondi.

I will not speak here of superficial attractiveness or its absence, but of the beauty or its obverse that accrues to that which lies deep within, to what is in our hearts snd souls. Pretty is as pretty does. It’s entirely possible that if he were known for his kindness and generosity, instead of for his avid heartlessness, Border Czar Tom Homan might not look to us like a big toe become a face. Had Sarah Fuckabee (oops!) Sanders not been in the business of trying to legitimize the least legitimate presidency in American history, she may well have seemed less to many of us like Quasimodo in drag.

The converse, of course, is no less true. Karoline Leavitt, Kristi Noem, Ainsley Earhardt, Tami Lahren, and Pam Bondi might all be seen as presentable or even hot on first glance. But when one remembers that they either work for or enable the Turd Reich, does their their allure not melt like lemon drops ‘way above the chimney tops?

My own choice as the ugliest of the five, by virtue of her superior empoweredness, is Ms. Bondi. Do indicate in a comment which you regard as the most hideous.

[Why no one has successfully implored la Earhardt to spell her given name Ainsleigh, a la former press secretary Kayleigh McNincompoop (whose surname I may be misspelling) and vice president Jaydeigh Vance, mystifies me.]