The Inauguration Parade, Before It Happens!

What a great day for America it will be, weather permitting!

REX A very good afternoon to you from Washington DC, the nation’s capital, where, in around 90 minutes, Donald J. Trump will be inaugurated as the 47th and possibly last president of these United States of America. But first, the Golden Age of America parade, brought to you by Glaxosmithkline, My Pillow, and JP Morgan Chase. I’m Rex Robinson, here with recent graduate in broadcast journalism from the University of Southeastern North Carolina LuCeigh Cummins.

It’s an exciting day to be an American Christofascist, isn’t it, LuCeigh?

LC That it is, Rex. And I’m just grateful to my Lord and Savior that I’ve been blessed to be here with you on this amazing occasion.

REX Well, Parade Master Paul Manafort has just waved his baton, and here come the floats.

LC That they do, Rex! And how amazing are they?

REX More beautiful than there are enough words in English to describe, which isn’t to suggest that English isn’t God’s own language, and that anyone who hasn’t learned it shouldn’t be allowed into our beautiful country.

LC That they shouldn’t, Rex. Leading the parade are the amazing Red State Trad Wives. “Obedience and submission as God commands.”

REX And a more gorgeous — would it be unforgivably “unwoke” of me to say sexier? — group of gals I haven’t seen, and it isn’t that I haven’t been “around the block” a few times over the course of my career.

LC That it isn’t, Rex. You’ll notice that the ladies’ amazing shoes have red soles — red as in red state, I’m guessing.

REX How on earth are they going to march the two and half miles to the Capitol in those very high heels, though?

LC I have no doubt they’ll find a way, Rex, as doing so will make them pleasing in the eyes of their husbands, and thus in those of the Lord.

REX I’m guessing that at least a few of them, however submissive and obedient, will be hopping on the float following them by the end of the parade, LuCeigh.

LC That they might, Rex. That float being that of American Book Burners, amazing destroyers of woke textbooks discussing such things as Critical Race Theory since 2017.

REX And if keeping our beautiful young people’s minds from being poisoned isn’t God’s work, LuCeigh, I don’t know what is! I see here that by the time it reaches its destination, some 128 offensive texts will have been incinerated on the float.

LC That they will, Rex. And next up, the biggest float in the parade, and I dare say the mightiest, is that of Lockhheed Martin, Northrup Grumman, and General Dynamics, keeping America and its allies — even the genocidal ones — safe, and enabling American military dominance, since 1961.

REX I’m not going to deny that my blue eyes are welling up with tears, LuCeigh.

LC That you won’t, Rex. And at the risk of repeating myself, even though I don’t think I’ve said it yet, but a person can’t say it too often, God bless America.

REX Oh, my gosh! Now this next float has to be the most imaginative of all.

LC That it does, Rex. It’s Knoa Pharma’s, and it’s made up of 7.6 million oxycontin tablets.

REX…and capsules…

LC …That’s right, Rex, tablets and capsules that Purdue Pharma was ordered by the federal government, probably under the direction of George Soros, to destroy before it went out of business in 2021.

REX New name, Knoa Pharma, but same great products for pain management and opioid addiction treatment. I’ll bet a trad wife or two will be breaking off a few of those tablets and capsules, LuCeigh, after walking all the way to the Capitol in their Louboutin stilletoes.

LC That they might, Rex. And do I hear some amazing music?

REX Well, I know that I sure do. And it’s coming off the next float, on which two of our greatest white supremacist recording artists are “rockin’ out”.

LC That they are, Rex. A medley of Kid Rock’s amazing “All Summer Long”…

REX …and Ted’s no-less-iconic “Jailbait”.

LC About a 13-year-old girl — well, presumably a girl — Ted was presumably romantically involved with.

REX Spicy!

LC That it certainly is, Rex.

REX And now, bringing up the rear, the coup de grâce, if you will: The SuperPatriots float, honoring the brave men who peacefully and lovingly protested at the Capitol after the 2020 election was shamefully stolen from Mr. Trump, and who were made political prisoners as a result.

LC That they were, Rex, and what a stain on our otherwise glorious history! I see Enrique Terrio and Stewart Rhodes, both more amazing than ever even after those long months in prison…

REX …and I see a couple of Boogaloo Boys, whose names I’m ashamed to admit I’ve forgotten.

LC There’s no mistaking the amazing Q Shaman Jacob Chensley, though…

REX…and Podium Guy Adam Christian Johnson, who very nearly made off with Nancy Pelosi’s lectern. What a souvenir that would have been!

LC That it would have, Rex. Amazing!

REX What a great, great day for America, and, by extension, humanity.