Secretary Hegseth Keeps Our Great Fleet White and Manly!

Fox News personality turned Secretary of Offensiveness (which I may be misspelling) Pete Hegseth has declared that the US Navy support ships, like that presently known as the Harvey Milk, must be renamed in accordance with President Donald G. Trump’s in honor of white male heterosexuals.

Given that Secretary Hegseth and his people almost certainly have their hands full protecting our sacred American way of life, I offer these suggestions for the several other ships CBS News tells us will probably be renamed.

I believe the Harvey Milk should be known henceforth as the Lindsey Graham.

The USNS Cesar Chavez, as in the co-founder of the United Farm Workers union and civil rights activist, might intimidate America’s enemies more after it’s renamed the USNS Kid Rock.

The USNS Medgar Evers, as in the civil rights activist assassinated by a white supremacist in 1963, might be rechristened the USNS Pillow Guy, and the USNS Ruth Bader Ginsburg, as in the Supreme Court justice who fought for gender equality and civil rights, the USNS Keith Schilling, after President Trump’s long-serving bodyguard and heir to the Schilling spices fortune.

The USNS Dolores Huerta, as in the co-founder of the United Farm Workers union, will seem the mightier for having become known as the USNS Jim Jordan.

I suspect that tens of millions of Americans who regard President Trump as a stupid, incompetent, infantile, delusional, corrupt, hateful, petulant, vulgar, treacherous, soulless fascist, and, indeed, a fecal stain on American history, might be so irate that he will try to appease them by renaming a few ships after women, people of color, and homosexuals.

The USNS Harriet Tubman, as in a black female slave who escaped to freedom and then became a conductor on the Underground Railroad and a Union spy during the Civil War, will become the USNS Candace Owens.

The USNS Thurgood Marshall, as in the civil rights attorney
turned first black Supreme Court justice, will become the USNS Clarence Thomas.

Given President Trump\s inexplicable affection for their 1978 hit “YMCA”, Secretary Hegseth may well rename the USNS Lucy Stone, as in the abolitionist and suffragist, the USNS Village People.