King Charles III Meets the Mango Monstrosity

King Charles III of England and Donald Trump, president of the United States of America, are conferring in the Unsavoury Characters With Whom His Majesty Would Rather Get Hemorrhoids Than Have to Meet Room of Balmoral Castle in Aberdeenshire, Scotland. Having shaken hands, the two men seat themselves.

King Charles III of England and Donald Trump, president of the United States of America, are conferring in the Unsavoury Characters With Whom His Majesty Would Rather Get Hemorrhoids Than Have to Meet Room of Balmoral Castle in Aberdeenshire, Scotland. Having shaken hands, the two men seat themselves.

HIS MAJESTY

One does rather admire your pluck, Mr. President. There are those who, having in the past been called “a custard-flavoured jobby, a leather-faced piss jar, a mangled apricot hellbeast, a bawbag-eyed fuck bumper, a toupéd fucktrumpet, a knuckle-brained fart lozenge, a linkered plum, a huffy wee fuckin bampot, an utter cockwomble, a degenerate corned beef face syrup wearing wankstain — that was my and Camilla’s favourite — a rug-wearing thunder nugget, a fuckin walloper, a hamster heedit bampot, a fuck-knuckle, a rotten orange fucknut, an onion-eyed flap dragon, a wee orange rodent, a mop-headed fud, a cock-juggling thundercunt, a witless fucking cocksplat., a gerbil-headed, woodstained, haunted spunktrumpet, a peepeewomble, and a shitstick fuckface,” by the residents of the country in which we’ve convened, would have insisted we meet elsewhere.

TRUMP

Well, a lot of people are saying I’m probably the bravest president ever, if not the bravest leader of any country ever, and the best-looking. And it’s no secret that no president has ever been treated as unfairly as me. Sleepy Joe wasn’t just the worst president in American history, but the worst person in human history, and you never heard an unkind word about him. But that’s OK. I’m not one to hold a grudge. And I’m not one to complain.

HIS MAJESTY

One wonders if the assassinated ones may have been rather more harshly treated.

TRUMP

Whatever. Would it be OK if I called you Chuck? I’ve got a Chuck in my life already. Schumer, the leftist lunatic senator. I’m sure you’ve heard that I’m really good at…whats that big woke word?…derogatory nicknames. Little Marco. Lyin’ Ted. Crooked Hillary. Crooked Joe. Sleepy Joe. Are those priceless, or what? Anyway, you know what I’m going to start calling Schumer?

HIS MAJESTY

Go on then.

TRUMP

Schumer the Tumor. Is that rich? BTW, that thing when I visited your mom a few years back, and walked in front of her? Like I knew I wasn’t supposed to! And what was she, around 115 at the time?

Biden probably would have tripped her. She’d have broken her pelvis or something! An incredible, incredible woman, your mom. I watched an episode of The Crown. What surprised me was that she was fairly hot — maybe a 7 or even an 8 if she’d hooked up with a stylist like Melania’s — when she was young.

“Lord Testosterone” is a track from the Stonking Novels’ 2017 eponymous debut and farewell album. I wrote the song, and produced the track. Dazza du Toit guitared. Isambard Jones sang lead.

A trio of servants comes in with tea and drop scones.

HIS MAJESTY

Do have some tea, Mr. President.

TRUMP

Any chance of my getting a Diet Coke instead? No. Never mind. It’s OK. Tea. It feels a little woke, but no problem. It’s fine. Which is a lot more…whatever, gracious?…than Biden would be.

HIS MAJESTY

One will admit to being rather disappointed by your climate denialism, especially given that you have several grandchildren.

TRUMP

Do i? Oh, I guess you’re right. Bannon, the really tall one? How embarrassing is that? Standing behind me, he can rest his chin on the top of my head. Not that I’m not taller, and smarter, and better-looking, and better at golf and in everything else than Sleepy Joe.

HIS MAJESTY

One infers that you\re referring to the youngest of your sons, whose name is actually Barron. Isn’t Bannon that horrid dishevelled neo-nazi who many thought of as your puppetmaster during your first administration?

But: climate. I ask about your grandchildren because one can scarcely imagine your being comfortable with the idea of leaving them a ravaged planet.

Do you realise, Mr. President, , as we speak, that around half the billion inhabitants of the world’s mountainous regions are experiencing ever greater food insecurity because glaciers are melting more quickly than ever in history, according to the World Meteorological Organisation?

TRUMP

Who’s forcing them to live in shithole mountain countries? I’m guessing Sleepy Joe? Was the guy stupid and incompetent, or what?

HIS MAJESTY

One thinks you’ll find, Mr. President, that developed countries are also in jeopardy. In your own USA, the Colorado River basin has been in drought since 2000. Higher temperatures cause precipitation as rain, which runs off more quickly than snow, making the drought progressively worse.

TRUMP

Part of the Colorado River’s in California. Blue state. They deserve whatever happens to them.

Wouldn’t Your Royal Highness or Whatever rather talk about Princess Di? After you dumped her — you might get a kick out of this — me and Jeff-E had a bet on which of us was going to tap her first. But then, that whole mishigas in Paris, the tragedy or whatever. A lot of people are saying the chauffeur must have been trained by Joe Biden.

HIS MAJESTY

Well, it’s been lovely seeing you again, Mr. President.

TRUMP

Probably a lot lovelier — isn’t that kind of a gay way of putting it? — than it would be with Biden. He didn’t actually win the election in 2020, you know. I did. But it’s OK. It’s fine. I’m not a complainer. I’m not weak. Complainers are weak, and I’m very strong. I could show you the memes of me with superhero muscles.

If you’re ever down in Palm Beach, give me a ring. We’ll play nine holes. I’ll arrange for us to party with a couple of adult film stars. Or a teenager if you have the same taste as your brother.