I've Laid Every Gal in Town

The confessions of a hillbilly sex machine

This song was inspired by Hank Doolittle, the pedal steel player in Johnny Ned Mendelssohn & The Clean Hankies between 2019 and 2023, when his wife Lurlene caught him in bed with one more pretty filly than she could be asked to abide. It was shocking not only to me, but to the rest of the band, that there could be so much blood in one human body. Not that I wanted to “gross you out”, as the Gen-Zers say, and, come to think of it, as my classmates back at Santa Monica High School decades ago used to say as well.

Some of the boys — I’m not going to name names — were forever imploring Hank to provide them with “sloppy seconds”. I found that distasteful, and took to fining anyone who did it. Only Presto Jueala, the Ecuadoran dobro player, failed to “get the message”, but he landed on his feet, starting what became a very successful auto upholstery business and fentanyl dealership in Barstow, California. My understanding is that he was deported this past January.

Many of Buddy Holly’s hits were even shorter than this. Short songs make long friendships.

I’ve laid every gal in town
Forward, backward, and up and down
Some wore jeans and some a gown
I’ve laid every gal in town

The desert’s beige, the valley’s green
I’m a hillbilly sex machine

Some had black skin, and others brown
Not a one was observed to frown
I’m quite serious, not a clown
As a lover I claim the crown

The new baseball season is about to begin. I will send a complimentary copy of my 2005 novel Foul Balls and Alpha Males to every new paid subscriber through my birthday, in mid-May!