I Can't Bring Myself to Enjoy European Football
I’ve enjoyed watching sport (in the UK) and sports (in America) on TV pretty much as long as I’ve enjoyed watching anything. Just this afternoon, I was recounting to Mrs. Mendelsohn (she prefers the original, legal spelling) how much I used to look forward to watching the Dodgers play the Giants in San Francisco 11 times per season on KTTV, in black and white on a screen half the size of he iMac one I’m looking at as I type this.
The record shows that I’ve tried (and tried and tried) to enjoy what Americans call soccer and the rest of the world calls football during my 18 or so years as a resident of the United Kingdom, but it hasn’t worked. Herewith, a description of a typical match. Thwart (the other team’s attempt to score a goal) thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Fourteen thrilling seconds, as one of the team momentarily ceases to be thwarted and stymied. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie.
Halftime.
Thwart (the other team’s attempt to score a goal) Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie. Thwart thwart thwart. Stymie stymie stymie.
Final score: 2-Nil (which is how the Brits pronounce “nothing”).
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. A boring English football match is no more boring than a pitchers’ duel in baseball, in which neither team gets a runner as far as second base for the first two hours and thirty-five minutes. But shut up.
My No. 1 pal, the artist presently known as du Phaser, and his wife Ana would sooner have fingers amputated than miss an Arsenal game on TV. Which isn’t to suggest that they won’t very happily watch just about whoever’s playing. I’ve been imploring them for years to conceded that NBA basketball, in which one can witness a remarkable feat of athleticism every 90 seconds, rather than ever 45 minutes, is far more fun to watch. “Just shut up,” they’d say if we weren’t dear friends.
Because she’s more patriotic than she likes to admit, Mrs. Mendelsohn and I watched the England national team play the Albanian national team the other evening. Would you not have assumed that England, whose population is approximately18 times that of Albania, and whose talent pool is thus much, much deeper, would have effortlessly crushed the eastern Europeans?
Final score: 2-Nil. And boy, were my eyelids heavy through most of it.
There are things I like about English football. I love that the pint-sized — players like Diego Maradona and Lionel Messi who could probably fit in Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s pocket — can dominate in European football, as in no other team sport.
I like also that the players’ jerseys don’t bear the name of the team, but that of its main sponsor. As of last summer, 11 of the 20 Premier League teams’ shirts advertised gambling companies. (Politicians should be as transparent!) Moreover, it’s the cutest thing ever that most teams have anthems, Liverpool FC’s being “You’ll Never Walk Alone” (as popularized by Gerry & The Pacemakers, and Crystal Palace’s “Glad All Over”, the Dave Clark 5’s breakout hit. And my jaw drops at the occasional remarkable feat of athleticism, such as the Swedish national team’s Ibrahimovic's famous bicycle kick against England in 2012.
The bicycle kick may be the most remarkable single feat in any team sport, but from 30 yards away?
My admiration of it is only slightly diminished by the realization that Ibrahimovic is the sort of arrogant, bullying thug Don Sr. might have invited to play golf years ago if he’d been American. When he signed in 2018 to play for the LA Galaxy, the full-page advertisement he ran in the Los Angeles Times sneered, ”Dear Los Angeles, you're welcome".[ And when he decided to return to Europe, he tweeted, "You wanted Zlatan, I gave you Zlatan. You are welcome. The story continues...Now go back to watch baseball”.
(I do love the idea of Zlatan Ibrahimovic…tweeting.)
I like that in Richmond-on-Thames, where I live, there’s a little shop selling Ted Lasso-branded merchandise, though I didn’t much care for Ted Lasso.
See something you like? I’ll buy it and have it sent to you. Terms and conditions apply.
You will also enjoy reading:
https://johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/we-will-not-let-them-ghadffi-you?r=7yu5q
https://johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/your-complete-guide-to-digital-sparring?r=7yu5q
Well, football is an acquired taste. I grew to love it some years ago, although I probably prefer the indoor variant, futsal (played 5 v. 5) even more.
That said, I have no interest whatsoever in cricket.
hmm
LET"S GO METS! :D