Do We Correctly Understand, Sir, That You Think Ill of Joseph R. Biden?

A lot of woketards, libtards, and DEI enthusiasts are bemoaning your having devoted a substantial portion of your stirring address to Congress the other evening to the deficiencies of Joseph R. Biden. But many of us get it, sir. His winning the 2020 election hurt your feelings terribly, as how could it not have? Most of us have been told, “It’s not you, but me,” or “I think we should start seeing other people” by lovers who have tired of us, but you were tacitly urged to fuck off by no fewer than 81,282,916 Americans. One can very easily imagine how that brought back painful memories of your monstrous (according to both your most authoritative biographer, David Cay Johnston, and your niece Mary) turning his back on your big brother Fred Jr for being a loser. As the loser in the 2020 election, your feelings were hurt on a level none of your countrymen has ever had to endure. One doesn’t get over a humiliation of the sort you suffered in only a few short years!

While these spoiled brats were marching around being shrilly petulant under the influence of marihuana, future president Donald G. Trump was studying. Not even his excruciating bone spurs could get him to pop a couple of Darvons® and “call it a day”!

So please, Mr. President, do not hesitate to keep recounting how stupid and corrupt and incompetent and downright evil Mr. Biden was. To this point, your immense innate dignity has kept you from pointing out that “Dr.” Jill isn’t nearly as hot as Melania, and that Don Jr and Eric Jr, cretinous though they may be, never fucked up as grievously as Hunter Biden. (You raised them right, sir!) But don’t hold back on our account, sir! We’re grownups. We can deal with the truth! The truth shall set us free!

Speaking of erotic conquests, sir, is anyone surprised that the woketards, libtards, and DEI enthusiasts are wetting their beds about your newly announced campaign to eradicate student protests, in contravention of the First Amendment? Forgive them, sir, for they know not what they do. No, forgive me. They know exactly what they do, but without understanding that you do know what you’re done — trying to stifle student disgruntlement. When you were yourself an extremely popular, unanimously well respect student at the University of Pennsylvania, desired by every coed, emulated by every male, you were diligently “cracking” your business textbooks, or up in the research library gaining the knowledge that would empower you to start the greatest business empire the world has ever seen, while so many of your fellow students were defying their president’s will in Vietnam, and then boning babes at raucous post-protest orgies. Well, just for the fun of it, why don’t we compare them, who wound up owning grimy little “head shops” or writing sitcoms that got low ratings, with you, who have achieved greatness so great that you are being considered for inclusion on Mt. Rushmore.

I wonder if modern students are smart enough to know that if they defy you, you can order Secretary Hegseth to order National Guardsmen to shoot them in their thighs. I’m guessing they’re not!

If you want to badmouth Joseph R. Biden, or anyone or anything else, for that matter, we want to listen, sir!

Here, as a deluxe special treat, is “Lord Testosterone,” which I wrote during the first Trump presidency. It is sung by Isambard Jones, guitared by Dazza du Toit, and bassed and background-vocaled by the author.