Definitive Proof of Trump's Non-Pedophilia

This recording proves he has no interest whatever in underaged girls

One of its sources has been able to provide A Legend in His Own Minefield with a cassette recording of a 2001 telephone conversation between Jeffrey Epstein, Beatles manager turned pedophilic financier, and Donald G. Trump, the prospect of whose presidency would at the time have made nearly everyone guffaw.

I, as I think you will be too, was much amused by the two men speaking at first in a Budweiser commercial version of black vernacular.

EPSTEIN Yo, DJ. What up, homey?

TRUMP Just chillin’.

EPSTEIN Ghis [Ghislaine Maxwell, his friend and procurer] done been smashing it, y’all. Got a new crop of the smokingest little bitches in Hotsville. I be lickin’ my lips, y’all. Why aincha get your bad self over here one evening soon and help a brother introduce them to the pleasures of the flesh?

TRUMP Not my thing, J-Man. As you know.

EPSTEIN Not what I be hearin’, homes. Ain’t somebody whose name I ain’t mentionin’ been going into Miss Teen USA dressing rooms “to make sure everything cool”?

TRUMP Can we talk normally? That’s fake news — hey, I like the sound of that! Fake news. For your information, it’s the Miss Universe contestants I like to check up on. They’re all over 18. Getting back to. your invitation, there’s a couple of porn actresses I might be interested in.

EPSTEIN I’ll see if Ghis has any contacts in that world. She’s never spoken of it.

[Awkward silence]

You still there, DJ?

TRUMP They’re another…type I might like to…date.

EPSTEIN Don’t be shy, DJ.

TRUMP Sometimes I’ve wondered what it might be like to…well…just to be able to say I’d tried it…

EPSTEIN I think I know where this is going, big guy. It’s not like I don’t know about you and Roy Cohn.

TRUMP We were buds, dude. And that’s all we were! Don’t make me sue you.

EPSTEIN I believe you, DJ. But I’ve wondered if there might have been a time or two when maybe he introduced you to a handsome young man at one of the clubs he took you to.

TRUMP Nobody can prove anything! If I had a dime for every camera I had Keith [Schilling, his bodyguard] pull the film out of, I’d be rich. Hold up. I’m already rich.

EPSTEIN Chill, DJ. It’s nothing to be ashamed of in this day and age. I’m sure you know that Massachusetts just said two dudes can marry each other.

TRUMP Disgusting. I’m probably going to marry What’s-Her-Name. the one who sounds like Natasha from Rocky and…

EPSTEIN Bullwinkle. I used to watch that myself as a kid. Melanoma, I think her name is? Or am I thinking of a disease?

TRUMP Melania. Talk about hot, huh?

EPSTEIN If you’re into old ladies.

TRUMP Hey!

EPSTEIN Kidding, DJ! Chill, dude. Do you honestly think nobody’s noticed that you’ve been crushing on Tom Brady?

TRUMP Many people have been saying,” Sir, he’s the best quarterback in NFL history.” Who doesn’t find him, you know, attractive?

EPSTEIN Something tells me not even Ghislaine is going to be able to hook you up with Tom Brady, dude. How about a wrestler with huge muscles, or a fireman, or a biker? A first responder type. Hypermasculinity seems to do it for you.

[Another awkward silence]

TRUMP Gotta run, J-Man. Got to talk this guy about a TV show he wants me to be the star of.

[click]