Concert Promoters' Lives Matter

The revolution will not be televangelized

It occurs to me that, as all right-thinking (which is to say left-leaning) Americans begin to think seriously about trying to overthrow the fascist regime the wrong-thinking and right-leaning voted back into office last November, that my considerable skills as a concert promotoer might come in handy.

I have been speaking with representatives of Taylor Swift and an array of hip hop giants and giantesses whose names I can never remember (becuase they’re either too fanciful, or unpronounceable, or just plain weird (A$AP Rocky, anyone)) about performing a special concert on half a dozen chained-together aircraft carriers in the Gulf of Mexico late this summer, but have received no confirmations as this went to press. And yes, Mexico. Mexico, Mexico, Mexico!

My Rock With Satan event in Steubenville, Ohio, birthplace of the devil-worshipping Dean Martin, back in January drew 18,263 people to the city’s new Clearsil® Center, which can seat only 1700, this in spite of The Unaborted refusing to appear at the last moment because of lead singer Imp Nishimura’s having fallen out of his 14th floor hotel room after the band performed at Vladimir Putin’s daughter’s wedding party in Moscow.

It puzzles me that the Oath Keepers would ever have tolerated a leader named Enrique Tarrio — I’d have imagined they’d insist on a Biff Johnson or a Stew Rhodes — but that’s a subject for an entirely different essay. Suffice it to say that Kangaroo Kourtship and Grafetus blew each other halfway to Akron, to the huge crowd’s great delight.

Coming up in 10 days, I’ve got Incelebration, Raising Awareness of Involuntary Celibacy, tickets for which sold out sold out nine days before the three co-headliners even signed their contracts. It sure helps when one of the acts — in this case, Thank U 4 Your Cervix, and “A Globetrotter’s Guide to Down Under” — had had one the three most-streamed songs on Spotify over the preceding six months. The Eunuchs of Measure sucked, but no one expected them not to. Modern audiences aren’t that interested in ventriloquism.