A Letter to the Haters From Jeff Bezos
His heart. Its immensity.
Sorry I pissed in your cornflakes, world. I mean the nerve of Laur and I, being young and in love, and wanting to sanctify our relationship in a really nice way. You’d think we’d shot at starving Gazans lined up for some rapidly disappearing gruel!
A lot of you seem to find it outrageous that we should spend $56.2 million on a wonderful party while children are starving in…wherever. The Sudan? Somalia? Gaza? Well, excuse the hell out of me! Is it my fault there’s starvation in the world? And since when did it become hundreds of thousands of complete strangers’ place to tell me how to spend my money, or how long my warehouse workers’ bathroom breaks should be?
So I have an apricot pit where most people have a heart! God, is that rich! It so happens that I’ve got a heart as big as my yacht, Tofu.
You know what I think a lot of the animosity springs from? Jealousy. Of the fact that I earn in three hours, according to a video on YouTube, all I need to pay $25 million a year to maintain the yacht. Of the fact that I’m rich enough to fly Beyoncé to Venice to sing the Dixie Cups’ hit “Going to the Chapel” and reveal for the first time why the accent mark on her name is misplaced. And mostly of my bride being hot beyond imagining. That figure of hers! Va, va, and voom, bitches! Show me a woman who doesn’t secretly wish she had a figure like that. Go on. Just one. I have reason to believe (wink, wink) that the Washington Post’s Sunday magazine is going to come back into being long enough for Laur to be named the Sexiest Woman in the Solar System.
But back to my heart, and its immensity. The haters might want to invest in some leather strips they can bite down on to keep from screaming when they find out I’ve partnered with Yum! Brands (owner of KFC, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell) and Gordon Ramsay to open colorful budget restaurants in the capitals of all 10 of the countries the Global Hunger Index has identified as the world’s least well nourished — and Gaza!
My consultants predict that the eyes of those suffering severe acute malnutrtion will become as big as saucers at the sight of our RUTF (Ready-to-Use Therapeutic Foods) line, which includes Plumpy’Nut – a peanut-based paste fortified with nutrients that malnourished kids just love. And don’t bet against Nutrient-fortified (HEBs) High-Energy Biscuits becoming a favorite of the on-the-go starving person who hasn’t time for a sit-down meal.
A medical professional will be on duty at each of the 10 restaurants to identify diners at death’s door. They will be entitled to a 10 percent discount on both food and beverages.
What’s more, the restaurants will provide minimum-wage employment for many. I myself worked at McDonald’s when I was 16, and now earn over $8 million an hour, well over minimum wage.
If Americans set their mind to it, they can accomplish almost anything!
President Trump's Transphobia Explained!
The author Robert M. Pirsig’s observation that “we always condemn most in others…that which we most fear in ourselves.” is true, according to a recent study at the University of Western North Carolina at Pigeon Forge headed by Dr. Nathan Placebo.
It is a consolation to know that a woman's wedding day is the woman at her very best, and Bezos's bride has already lost at least a quarter of her value since driving her off the showroom floor.
It's all downhill from here for Jeffen. Wha wha.
One doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry...